A Year of Living Musically

October 06, 2024

As part of my healing journey, I’ve been focusing heavily on getting back to who I am.

I read a theory that says addicts get ‘stuck’ in the phase of life they were in when the addiction took hold. I've no idea if there's validity to this theory, but I've very much been thinking about where I got stuck.

For me, that time is my mid 20s. I transitioned from casual, typical weekend binge drinking in my early 20s to leaning on alcohol to ease my stress. In my early 20s: got married at 21, relocated to a new state and town, dropped out of college, immediately got pregnant and had a kid at 22, and received my first autoimmune condition diagnosis at 22. Drinking was still primarily limited to weekends, but the more life threw at me, the more my drinking amped up. I specifically remember the first time I got drunk by myself. Shame? Nope, I was so proud of myself for pulling that off and not getting caught. By the time I was 29 and had a second kid, I was a daily drinker.

So returning to this theory about being stuck at this age when my addiction took hold, let’s go with 22 for me. So who was I at 22? I had a pretty large circle of friends and an active social life. We were broke, but we were happy. And I had music.

I started working for the record/CD store when I was 18 and kept that job until I was almost 23. It was my absolute favorite job – loads of free music and concert tickets, and we could listen to literally ANY album in the store while we worked. I don’t remember all the shows I got to see for free, but I do specifically remember meeting Flava Flav in my store and seeing Brooks and Dunn, Cherry Poppin' Daddies, Sugarcubes, and Gwar. No wonder my musical tastes are so varied!

I also still played the piano regularly. When I went to University of Arkansas for two semesters in 1993, I would lug my canvas bag stuffed with sheet music down to the baby grand in the lobby and just sit and play, sometimes for a few hours. Occasionally, I’d have an audience, but often I had the piano room completely to myself. We went to hear live music most weekends in the clubs in Dickson Street. Seeing Tripping Daisy at George’s Majestic is still one of my favorite concert memories.

I couldn’t afford to keep managing a record store and feed an infant, so that job ended. I didn’t have regular access to a piano, so I stopped playing. I didn’t go to shows often. Music fell out of my life because of life.

Flash forward to 2006. We bought a house in Little Elm and soon met who would become our closest family friends. They had two kids also and lived right down the street. And my closest gal pal, the wife, loves a lot of the same music I love. We often listened to music while we sat outside for hours drinking and smoking and talking. We played Guitar Hero and Rock Band every weekend for months on end, MAYBE even having the cops called on a rather enthusiastic session. As the kids got a little older, we started taking them to concerts. Seeing shows through my daughter’s eyes reignited my love for live music. Another life phase filled with joy and connection. And music.

Somewhere along the way, I lost music again. Heavier drinking, more chronic illness diagnoses, a pandemic, losing my sister Greta, quitting drinking cold turkey, losing my dad in July 2023. I lost myself again, but this was the most lost I’ve felt. The depression and loneliness was crippling. I was close to a point where I was either going to start drinking again or I needed to go to an in-patient rehab. Neither of these sounded like a good option, so I needed to find a way to focus on healing. I have transformed myself physically, emotionally, and mentally before. I was not going to let this beat me.

Therapy was crucial. Putting myself first was crucial. Seeing new doctors. Getting rest. Eating right. And thinking about that 22-year old Rachel. What would she do to feel better? She’d go to the record store and she’d go to some live shows. Music can reach her soul like no one or no thing else can. Music therapy would heal. I often forget I have this tattoo since I can’t see it, but I got it to remind me of my core. My peace. My joy. My companion.

Among others, my year of living musically has included a Billy Joel cover artist, Ghost, Andre3000, Duran Duran, a Japanese DJ, The Beach Boys, Squeeze and Boy George, the Dallas Symphony with Cody Fry and Ben Rector, Depeche Mode, a ska show, a candlelight jazz show…and I can’t wait for my next show!